domenica 16 luglio 2017

I can't tell the difference

It happens at times that I can't tell the difference between my anxiety and my physical tiredness and it's hard to understand if it's better for me to stay at home or go.
Sometimes I go.
Sometimes I stay at home.
I feel weak but I think it's connected to what I feel inside.
Is there something that makes me feel really motivated or strong, or healthy?
I don't know it anymore.
I know this travel will change me and I'll try to enjoy every part of it.
Can't wait to see my people.
People I hardly met in my life, but to whom I am connected.
It's terrific, isn't it?
I don't know if I'll have problem with their English, I never practiced mine a lot, here, except from social networks.
And I can't wait to talk. To laugh. To cry.
I can't wait to be on that flight.
I never thought it'd be so soon.
Just think that in February I was scared as fuck to fly to France o England.
In June I was scared as fuck to fly to Germany.

What's happening to me?
Why this change?
Am I really changing?
I can't wait to be there.

My psychologist once said to me "Anxiety is not forever" and.. it turned to be like this.
I cry a lot during these days, but I know they're good tears.
Maybe one day I'll make it to Japan.
Maybe one day.

mercoledì 12 luglio 2017

Squall by D'espairsRay

Great thing about Squall by D'espairsRay is, it makes you feel free of every bound you have inside your mind. Listening to it I know that for 5 minutes I'm free of my anxiety, I'm free to go and do whatever I've always dreamt of.
But, sadly, when the song finishes I know it's not exactly like this. Cute.

martedì 11 luglio 2017

Fail number ?

I tried to do something on my own, all by myself, without saying anything to my closest friends, because in case of failure, I didn't want to see disappointment on their face.
Struggling alone, in these case, is even more difficult but I realized something.
I'd never thought of traveling alone in the past, I'd always look for someone to come with me.
I realized that the source of stress, anxiety, uneasiness, it comes from the others, especially the ones I decided to travel with in the past, without even knowing them.
I'm really profound and introspective as a person, I think A LOT, and I can't be with people who can't understand me or who are not as I am. I just need to do this thing alone, I don't know when because I'm not ready yet.
I feel like a completely failure right now, to be honest and I'm trying to hold my tears back with that weird feeling in my throat, it feels like exploding.
I don't even know why I'm writing it down.

Translating from japanese is the only thing keeping me alive. Yes, sir.